let me fast forward my life in writing.

walking through the hallway with the clickity clack 

of my boots as a soundtrack. i rounded the corner and

reached the elevator. punching the main floor button,

i waited. i breathed. and waited. the numbers slowly

changed and with a BING! the doors pushed open. I walked

in and dug in my purse to find my ipod and cigarettes.

by the time i found them i was in the lobby. my boots made

more music as i proceeded to the doors, leading me outside.

i tasted the air and lit my cigarette, it was the perfect autumn blend.

The sun was out but the wind blew her warmth away. I unlocked the

chains from my bike, kicking the stand of my bike up as i did this.

i hopped on and spun the wheels down the street. The sun was fading

even more as i checked the time. around 7 o clock is was and the hour

was alive and mine for the taking. I sped up at the thought of this.

The music in my ears calmed my angst. As i reached a more exciting

part of the city the lights covered me in a happy glow. I stopped to catch my

breath and write down an inspired idea. The faces feet and arms passing by

me all helped.. would i ever see these people again? will they remember years

from now.. that they indeed met me.. for a second so brief. I passed them 

and they passed me. will i indeed remember who i have met?

Hopping on my bike again i began to taste the smells of life.

Nothing makes my anticipation heighten more. My eyes happened

to land on a man, he was sitting on the sidewalk and his

eyes told stories from feet away.. the distance between us made

my heart beat faster. I approached him and his plastic cup, dropping

coins in that made a tune all its own in his very own mind.

it brought on a slight smile. He mumbled thank you.

but theres something always missing. and I was

on my way to find it again.

random pieces of a boook i may write.

"i dont know," he laughed "i hate smiling.."

she smoothed out a loose strand of her hair and
tucked it behind her ear as she laughed, leaning back
on the passenger seat "How?" eyes wide, her smile
even brighter now, "I love smiling, it feels good."
He smiled and paused, "Well you see.. you smile or you laugh and then
theres that moment when you gotta stop laughing and smiling.. its awkward."
she looked at him curiously and then again her eyes confirmed her thoughts.
"I actually get what you mean, i've never thought of it that way.."
He laughed "But with you its not so much that way."

havnt decided on first or second person yet.
obviously unorganized but tasty to the mind
She covered her eyes with aviador sunglasses
and approached the front door,
a slight breeze toyed with her sun dress
as she hopped down her front steps.
the birds were a live orchestra,
for some reason today.. all the sounds blended
to perfection.
She closed her eyes for a moment and
enjoyed feeling the sun's
heat dance down her skin.. it danced
along with the ryhthm and the melodies
floating around her. She opened her eyes upon a
less beautiful but wonderful familiarity, she heard the
squeeking of he shot out tires and beat up engine,
she smiled walking towards
the car she had known for years.



my heart felt like it was being squeezed.. a head ache was approaching
even in my high state. a million thoughts, and things i could've said and
done were flooding my head..
is that why it was hurting? my stomach gave off
and airy unhappy empty feeling although i just ate.
"Lets go kid! We're going swimming!" I smiled at the thought
of being out and swimming in the cool mountain water with my friends,
the people who love me. So pushing my thoughts
aside I remained smiling and
ran outside to greet another car i'd known for years.
Getting in the passenger seat I smiled at NAME HERE
"So asshole, do you have work next tuesday or not?"
"Nah i got Kacie to cover me. So i'm absolutely down for a city trip.
My heart needs it."
"Well New York a bunch of your favorite people and a bottle of Jager
will fill up all the cracks in your heart."
Laughing I dug through my purse and retrieved her pack of
cigarettes and a lighter.



Everyone was swimming in the cool water, but my body seemed
to not want it.. I placed my towel on the ground and took my sketch
book out of my bag. Retrieving water color paints as well. A small
clay pot that i stroked into the water, tossing 3 brushes into it.
I placed the paints on the ground before me. played msuic off my ipod and listened
to the sounds around me blend. music and laughter soothed me as i took the
first stroke to paper with my brush. It felt even better.

oh man. memories are awesome literature.

"i dont know," he laughed "i hate smiling.."

she smoothed out a loose strand of her hair and 

tucked it behind her ear as she laughed, leaning back 

on the passenger seat "How?" eyes wide, her smile 

even brighter now,  "I love smiling, it feels good."

He smiled and paused, "Well you see.. you smile or you laugh and then 

theres that moment when you gotta stop laughing and smiling.. its awkward."

she looked at him curiously and then again her eyes confirmed her thoughts.

"I actually get what you mean, i've never thought of it that way.."

He laughed "But with you its not so much that way."

except for one.

lately i have adopted the role as an insomiac..
i dont enjoy it, its not a fun role to play. ill stay
up till 5 or 6 am..
then lay in bed for another hour or so
i see the sun peek
out of the windows towards me
it tells me to sleep.. to sleep before
the birds get louder.
then everything..
every little sound annoys me..
the click of the clock..
the sound of the air rushing out of the air conditioner,
or fan.
where ever i may be,
the sounds around me annoy me.
even if a person is next to me..
it bothers me to hear them breathe.. or worse.. snore..
except for one..
i never enjoyed fully falling asleep with someone..
except for one.
i'd always cuddle then
turn away for my real comfort..
in myself.. id curl up in myself.
i never truely felt comfortable in someones
arms till i lost my mind into sleep..
except for one.
tangeled.. the warmth of his chest
surrounding me untill i fell asleep.
even if i turned over..
he would wrap his arms somehow around me.
and all the sounds.. would fade away.
and i think thats why i have insomnia.. its like i go to go to sleep..
and i cant stop wishing he was here
to make all the sounds stop.
and i dont like it. i want to distance myself from such thoughts.. yet
i cant.. especially before bed.
maybe its much deeper than i can actually see..
maybe its my exterior thats drowning me.
ill smoke ciggarettes and try to distract myself with telivision..
this goes away.. one day like
all the sounds, it will fade.
i hope it comes soon.. i want to stop wanting.

i opened my eyes this morning, i felt sweat
on my body and tore the covers off.
hot and cold sweats,
sniffles, sneezing,
itchy eyes, and an
occupied mind..
i wanna bundle up and escape to the city.
i feel like it would make me feel better,
maybe in a city filled with people with problems
bigger than mine will make me
feel less lonley. im not depressed,
just bored with this scenery.
what is it to love life and have a good life and be thankful for it..
but not be satified..? hmmm, im not depressed im unsatisfied.
i think my life was so perfect at the begining of the summer
that i just want it that way again.
i had EVERYTHING i wanted and more..
now i wonder if thats bad to EVER have that.
you cant have it all for too long can you?
that sucks.
I stepped outside and felt the air smack my face,
its september.. i cant believe its september..
it seems only weeks ago i was graduating highschool..
i have no car.. no way to get to school. so i must work,
but how can i work with no job available..
so frusterating.
my plans are to learn as many instruments in this year time span
as possible. to achieve my greatest dream
that reaches beyond school. i would still be educated of course,
father always says..
YOU NEED an EDUCATION
to MAKE IT IN THIS CRAZY WORLD.
im sure he's right.. but ive got something else on my side.
my talent, i see it, i feel it, i live inside it, i hide away in it,
i expose it to smiling faces. will i ever stand in front of a croud
a huge croud.. like all my favorite artists.. and sing?
will i? i must..